Ep. 152 - The Secret Scorecard: Expectations from Overdoing & Overgiving

  Have you ever found yourself going the extra mile for someone, hoping for a thank-you or some recognition—only to be left feeling unappreciated? In this episode, we dive into the hidden scorecard we sometimes carry, tracking our good deeds with the expectation of thanks, favors, or reciprocity. We’ll explore why we tie our worth to acknowledgment, how to shift our mindset, and what healthy generosity looks like. Tune in for a refreshing perspective on giving, gratitude, and the joy that comes from letting go of expectations.  

Transcript

From a very young age, we’re taught to say please and thank you. But somewhere along the way, some of us place far more emphasis on receiving the thanks than giving it.

The Bottom Line on Top of this episode is that an authentic desire to give doesn’t come with an expectation of thanks in return.

Now, that doesn’t mean we should ignore when our effort goes unrecognized. Rather, it’s a prompt to see where you might be searching for acknowledgement for other intrinsic reasons.

It’s important to explore the motive behind the impulse to do, do, do. Often we’re trying to model the behavior we’d like to receive in return, only to be disappointed when people don’t pick up on our clues, offer us that promotion, or read our minds on how we want to spend our birthday. 

This episode explores some behavior to watch for when there’s a thank you that you are waiting for..

The first is Overdoing—this is the above-and-beyond behavior that looks generous but may come with strings attached. Your dedication looks noble in nature but it also has a bit of a martyr undertone. 

If you’re working through lunch, constantly raising your hand, or picking up the slack “just to get noticed,” you might be stuck in what psychologists call Good Person Syndrome—a term used to describe people who compulsively meet other people’s needs at the expense of their own. It’s tied to people-pleasing, which, that behavior is rooted in our brain’s own reward system. So when we get approval it releases dopamine—the same neurotransmitter that gets all excited by likes and views on social media (we’re just doing that now with people).

Doing more isn’t always better. When you try to be the hero, you may actually be enabling dysfunction—at work, in families, or in friendships. If you’re always saying yes, others never really have to confront the imbalance or learn the real cost of all of the requests.

You might also be unconsciously engaging in what researchers call emotional labor—the unpaid, often invisible effort of managing everybody else’s feelings, needs, and expectations. The more emotional labor you take on without reciprocity, the more depleted you become.

Overdoing leads to burnout, that deep fatigue that’s just dragging down your spirit and dampening the good that we do receive. When and if you cross the figurative finish line, you may be too tired to even enjoy it. 

Doing less doesn’t mean you care less. It means you care appropriately – first and foremost for yourself. 

Then there’s Extra Credit behavior. Much like overdoers, when we are sniffing around for a little extra there might be a deeper purpose at play. This is especially true if you’re jumping to do even when (or especially when) you weren’t even asked. Overdoers often struggle with saying no; whereas Extra Credit seekers actively give the yes but have the underlying motive of scorekeeping. It’s that mental tally of favors, miles driven, shifts covered, or who texted first.

This is tied to a cognitive bias called illusory superiority—the belief that we're doing more than others. We tend to overestimate our own contributions and underestimate theirs, which leads to frustration and unspoken expectations.

Yikes, that sounds harsh—but it’s common. The question isn’t whether you’re being kind. It’s whether your kindness has a secret invoice attached to it.

If you’re collecting store credit, but never willing to use it – that is a statement you were making about your own self-worth. Either spend the credit, communicate the credit, or erase it.

Another thing to watch for is if you’re unwilling to share your own wins and good news , but hope someone else will. Sharing isn’t bragging and, by the way, there is nothing wrong with shining a light on your own life. 

However, if your goal is to show your value to others, you’re actually enabling them by disabling you. Whether it’s between friends, siblings, coparent, or coworkers, when you’re collecting points on an invisible board, you’re trying to win a contest that you haven’t even communicated.

This brings me to Secret Conversation behavior. When we engage in secret conversations and deal making without involving other people, we will try to justify it by saying, I did all this for them, I shouldn’t have to ask for people to do something in return.

Oh but yes, you actually do. It’s not somebody else’s job to read your mind. And the expectations you’re carrying will likely turn into future resentments.

It’s human nature to want to be seen, appreciated, and thanked. If you’re overdoing, constantly stepping in, or quietly tallying all your “extras,” you’re not just wearing yourself out — you’re making unspoken deals that no one else agreed to. That’s not generosity. That’s negotiation in disguise.

If you find yourself waiting for a thank you, check in on your motivations. First, you deserve to be thanked for the things that you do, but don’t work hard in hopes that someone will notice, don’t keep some invisible scorecard, and don’t engage in secret conversations. 

Your worth isn’t determined by how much you do for others. Spend your time like it’s valuable—because it is.

And if you're still waiting for a thank you?

Go ahead and give it to yourself.

You already earned it.