Ep. 155 - The Science of Showing Up—for Others and for Yourself

Strong connections are built on a steady rhythm of giving and receiving. In this episode, we explore how being present, consistent, and supportive creates long-term returns in our relationships, our confidence, and our personal growth. It’s not always about grand gestures; sometimes, just being there is the most powerful thing we can do. Let’s talk about the quiet strength of showing up (for others and ourselves) and why it matters more than we think.  

Transcript

Over the last two weeks, I had a chance to speak to a group of undergrad students who were taking a business entrepreneur class and then to a conference of hundreds of professionals at a large event in Chicago.

In both cases, the conversations started to center around the key elements for success regardless of the industry.

Two of the things that emerged from these conversations for successful connection is this: 

The first- Give freely. Of your time, your expertise, an extra set of hands, meeting somebody for coffee, giving some encouragement, reviewing a resume and helping to make connections to other people.

There’s lots of talk about how to build your personal brand. That’s great, that’s getting people to know your name. But a reputation? That’s built by the actions and investments you make in others. That’s about being remembered, not just having your name recalled.

The second element of success was—after giving freely: Receive and Return.

When someone offers their time, advice, network, or other efforts… say yes. Don’t hedge, hesitate, or humble mumble it away.

The Bottom Line on Top of this episode is that the most valuable investments are often the ones you make in others—and the ones you allow others to make back in you.

When we give—especially without expecting anything in return—our brain releases feel-good chemicals and that activates our reward system, that includes a region of the brain called the ventral striatum. It’s the same part of the brain that lights up when we experience joy or connection. So generosity isn’t just kind—it’s also neurologically rewarding.

That’s not just feel-good fluff—it’s hardwired into us. A study out of Harvard found that people were measurably happier when they spent money on others instead of themselves. And even fMRI scans show that the brain lights up in the same parts when we give as it does when we are having chocolate or listening to music.

So whether it’s making a donation, doing someone a favor, or just centering your attention—generosity gives back in more ways than one.

But here’s where it gets even more interesting…when we receive something—a compliment, support, or a specific offer—we’re also presented with a biological and emotional opportunity.

Our brains are wired to scan for threats and imbalances, which means many of us are more comfortable giving than receiving. Accepting help, or gifts, or compliments can make us feel vulnerable. But turning down help or brushing off a compliment actually short-circuits connection.

Psychologist and author Brené Brown calls this foreboding joy—the discomfort that comes when good things happen, but we brace for a loss, or try to earn our worth by doing more.

Yet when we allow ourselves to receive—without deflecting—we reinforce a neural loop of trust. We give the other person the gift of contribution, and we validate their effort in doing so. This is how relational circuits are built, and this is the basis of social capital, resilience, and even longevity.

Ok, that’s all good but what about those moments when you don’t feel like you have anything to offer? Or when someone says, “Let me know how I can help”—and you just… freeze?

That hesitation has a name, too. It’s called impostor phenomenon.

It’s the belief that you’re not “enough” to be worth someone else’s time or generosity—even when that support is freely offered.

Neuroscience tells us that self-doubt activates the brain’s default mode network, and that’s the region tied to introspection and rumination. When this loop gets too loud in our own mind, we tend to retreat.

And we tell ourselves: “I’ll follow up when I’m more clear / more ready / more worthy.”

But the truth is, clarity often comes after the connection, not before it.

And I’ve seen this play out in small but powerful ways. Previously, when I’ve been at events speaking to large groups, I like to make an open offer: I’ll send a copy of the book being discussed—just let me know when you want it, reach out to me anytime.

I’d get a few takers here and there, but I realized that the follow-up was part of the resistance. People didn’t want to bother me, or they weren’t sure if I was serious.

Last week, I approached it differently. I made it into a challenge: Increase your network at this conference by at least six people, I said to everybody, and I’ll send you a book from any of the speakers.

The action to earn it? That sparked engagement.

Throughout the multi day event, people kept coming up to me. Several self-proclaimed introverts told me it was exactly the excuse they needed to approach other people—it wasn’t about them, it was about meeting the challenge, and they happily did the homework.

And now? My Amazon account is getting a serious workout with all the books I’m ordering, and that makes my nerd heart very, very happy.

The lesson, the challenge, wasn’t about a book—it was about permission. People often need a small structure or challenge to feel justified in accepting something they were already offered.

So what does a graceful follow-up look like?

Here are two quick ideas:

1. Name the offer back to the person: “I appreciated your offer to connect me with someone in your network. If that’s still on the table, I’d love to follow up on that now.”
   
   
2. Make it easy for them to say yes: “If you have 15 minutes sometime this month, I’d really value your insights on how to approach this next step. I can work around your schedule.” 
   
   Or even taking it a step further to say “Thank you so much for your offer to connect me to ‘so and so,’ I’ve gone ahead and written an introduction if that makes it easier to send.”

The tone matters more than the timeline. And it’s never too late to re-open a door that somebody already unlocked for you.

So:

• When’s the last time you gave someone your time, insight, or support—without waiting to see if it would be noticed?
• And when’s the last time you said a full and complete “thank you” without downplaying it with a “you didn’t have to” or “it wasn’t that big of a deal”?
• And maybe most importantly—who has said to you “Let me know if I can help” that you never got back to?

Each time we pause to give—or allow ourselves to receive—we’re investing in something that goes far beyond transactions. We’re creating a ripple of trust, integrity, and goodwill.

And those returns compound.

Because what we give becomes a story someone else tells.
And what we receive becomes a reminder that we’re not meant to do this alone.

So today:
Give something generously.
Receive something graciously.
And follow up on something left unfinished.

You’re not bothering anyone.
You’re building a bridge.

The compound interest of connection will take care of the rest.